Neville Longbottom: the boy who narrowly escaped
by eruthiel
Summary: Set in a parrallel dimension. Pretty short. The REAL reason Voldemort chose Harry, the uses of a mushroomshaped scar and why daydream powder is the invention of the century.
1. Prologue

**Neville Longbottom: the boy who narrowly escaped**

**An alternitave dimension story. The first paragraph is just a sciency-explanation type thing, so it's not essential to the plot. Please review even if you don't like it and tell me what's wrong.**

It is said that every time a decision is made, reality splits into two parrallel dimensions. For example, if you continue reading this, an alternitive you in another universe decides not to (and vice-versa, but I hope that won't be the case). If this is true, there are an infinite number of universes where anything is possible - say, for example, Voldemort picked Neville . . .

Tom POV.

I moved cautiously along the corridor, making a noise that would make a blink sound like a plastic bag factory in a storm. Suddenly, Pringle came round the corner, squinting at me. Swearing, I turned and made a dash for it. _One of these days I'll get myself a bloody invisibility cloak . . ._

I could easily outrun him. I was nearly at the common room when there was a clatter, someone cackled manically and all the lights went out.

There are some things that must be said at a time like this. Purely for the sake of tradition, I opened my eyes and said: "Ooh, where am I?" Then I looked up and found myself face to face with Pringle. Not a nice thing to wake up to, I can tell you.

"EEEK!"

Peeves laughed his manic laugh again. "Oooh! 'Ickle Tommikins is fwightened? There there, Tommy, Peevesy will protect you from the nasty caretaker, yes he will!" He swooped off down the corridor yelling, "Tommykins screams like a girl!" _When I rule the world, he will be the first to go._

"Bloody Peeves,"growled Pringle."Who's going to tidy up the mess? Me!" He flicked his wand and the suit of armour gathered itself up and stood back in its place. It hadn't quite arranged itself properly, though, and I hate to imagine what sort of creature would have worn it. It must have found going to the toilet pretty painful, though (you see now why people are always urging me _not _to 'unleash my imagination').

Pringle, however, ignored the metal monstrosity glaring at him from the wall, and and turned to me. "As for you, you filthy little son of a troll, I'll . . ."

In the universe _you _know, he whacked Tom Riddle hard across the head, giving him a strange and very rare disorder which made him love to do things backwards, eg. dying then returning from the grave, reading the phone directory backwards and therefore finding the Potters before the Longbottoms. (I'm a big fan of cause and effect, everything you do has an impact on the world around you etc.) In another universe, howerver, he hesitated and Riddle remained normal - well, normaller, anyway. You know what I mean. So in that universe, of course, Neville became the Chosen One. Let this be a warning: if you hit your little brother, the fate of the world may fall into far more reliable hands than if you don't. Tell your mum that.


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter one. Lily-sacrifices-life, Harry-arrives-at-Hogwarts equivalent. Enjoy.**

_"Not Neville, don't kill Neville, kill me instead . . ."_

_"I have no intention of killing you . . . yet. I'll save you for later." _**(NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, TWISTED SICK-MINDED PEOPLE READING THIS. DON'T BE GROSS, EVEN I'M NOT THAT BAD.) **_Voldemort shrieked with evil laughter. He didn't notice that Alice was taking carefull aim with her right foot untill it was too late._

_"Ooh!" He collapsed clutching his privates while Alice escaped clutching her son. She stepped over her dead husband and fled for her life._

_Ten years later . . ._

"Cor, Neville Longbottom-Baker! The Boy Who Narrowly Escaped! Is it true your mum kicked You Know Who in the goolies?"

Neville was not enjoying this newfound fame. Untill now he'd led a pretty iscolated life with his mum and step-dad, Rick Baker (the initials people, it's all in the initials). He'd always known he was famous, but nothing had prepared him for the attention he was recieving on the train to Hogwarts. The boy pestering him now, Harry, was particullarly annoying. Neville shook him off and went to sit down. _The sooner we get to Hogwarts, _he thought, _the better._

"Abbot, Hannah!"

The names were being called for the sorting. This was the thing about alphabetical order. It changed everything. If Voldemort had read the phonebook backwards it might have been . . . oh, I don't know . . . Harry Potter sitting here with a mushroom-shaped scar on his forehead. How silly.

"Longbottom-Baker, Neville!"

Neville stumbled up to the stool and plonked the hat on his head.

_Hello, _said a cheerfull sort of voice in his mind. _I'm a Horckrux, you know. Sod the bloody author, I _was_ Griffindorr's, you know._

This vaugly puzzled Neville, but living with someone like Rick you came to expect the unexpected which of course is a paradox and works best if you don't think about it.

_Aren't you supposed to be sorting me? _he thought.

_Oh crap, so I am. Griffindorr then, we've only had one Griffindorr bloke this year. And a girl. Nice girl she was too, should have been Ravenclaw, but there were about four of them already and we were only seven letters in . . . _(Go on, count the letters on your fingers. It's G.)

He took the hat off and the voice stopped. _Thank god. I didn't know hats got brain rot. Must talk to the school about that, see if we can't get him replaced._

And so it was that Neville Longbottom-Baker, the Boy Who Narrowly Escaped, accidentaly destroyed one Horckrux within ten minuites of arriving at the school. It took Hary two years, and he almost got himself killed.

In case you're wondering, Neville got his mushroom shaped scar when his mum tripped over the mat on her way out. It seemed to twinge a bit when he went near pizzarias or rhodadendrons, but that could have been a coincidence.


	3. Chapter Two

**Last chapter, hip hip hooray. I've posted the whole thing in just one day. (Told you it was short.)**

By Neville's seventh year, he had inadvertantly managed to destroy every Horckrux, either by setting off a bizzare chain of events which ultimately led to its destriction, or stepping on it. Now, he had somehow found himself face to face with Lord Voldemort, armed only with a frozen herring, a fake wand and a packet of Fred and George's patented daydream powder.

"Mwahahahahahahahaha!" said Voldemort, proving that some people never change. He didn't notice Neville taking carefull aim with his right foot . . .

"Oooh!" Voldemort collapsed, again, but now Neville was going at him with the fake wand (which had just turned into another frozen herring) and the fish. He wasn't having much success, but when Voldemort opened his mouth to utter the killing curse, Neville ripped open the packet of daydream powder and poured it all into the Dark Lord's mouth.

Lord Voldemort, who had been given an extremely large overdose, was still suffering from a particullarly vivid daydream two hours later when he was discovered by aurors. They found him rocking backwards and forwards on the ground. Somebody took pity on the poor ex-evil mass murderer and let him stay around as a sort of ugly little pet. He didn't speak much, but every time somebody mentioned 'corsets' he would shriek and leave the room. God knows why. (Corrupted mind? Inocent little me? What are you on about, Serethiel?)


End file.
